Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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