life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
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She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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