Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
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He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
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I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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