Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
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Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
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You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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