i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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