i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
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One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
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Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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