Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
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when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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