I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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