it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
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We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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