So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
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I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
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No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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