I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
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My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
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I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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