If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
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votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
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It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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