Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
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He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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