where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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