i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
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When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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