Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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