Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize