Moan for me like Helen Keller
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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