i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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