I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
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The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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