I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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