That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
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I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Let's paint friendship bongs
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
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I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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