I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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