There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
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I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
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Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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