Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize