I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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