i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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