So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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