I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
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And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
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I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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