If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize