just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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