my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
