It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
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there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
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SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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