laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
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Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
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