He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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