I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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