so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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