On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
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That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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