It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
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He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
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