My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize