Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
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She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
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he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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