You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
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Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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