i was born a porn star she said
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
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dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
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The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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