A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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