just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize