how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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