Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
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it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
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I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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