I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
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Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
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if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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