girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
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i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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