her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
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I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
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She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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