That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
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I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
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I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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